The art of doing nothing and why I'm taking a break
“In a world where we’re constantly pushed to achieve more, it’s important to learn the art of doing nothing.” — Kirsten Hill
I am taking a break to “do nothing”. There, I’ve said it. I’ve made it official. For those who know me well, this will likely come as quite a surprise. You see, I’m not someone who can relax very easily. I rarely watch TV or movies and when I do I’m always “doing something”. Whether it’s online shopping, going through my mail (that I rarely check) or scrolling on my phone I am rarely able to just sit and be completely engrossed in a show. Why? Until recently I just excused this behavior as being a busy working mom. Even when my kids made comments or tried to turn the lights down low during family movie night I would insist on having them on so that I could multi-task. Just writing these words brings tears to my eyes.
I have admitted this inability to sit still but simply chalked it up to my personality and my “DNA”. I pride myself on being efficient, driven and getting shit done. I love having a to-do list and crossing stuff off. It makes me feel proud, accomplished and worthy. I also like to control my environment from the cleanliness of our home, our family outings/vacations to what food comes into the house or what my family chooses to eat. I never really thought much about this behavior or how it may be impacting my physical or mental health until this past year.
While to the outside I may be perceived to some as a high achieving, type A woman, on the inside and to my family, this is certainly not always the case. I have definitely been known to “lose my shit” on a number of occasions because things didn’t go my way, or my family didn’t clean up or do something I asked around the house. And you should see my reaction when we have to throw food away because my kids didn’t consume the leftovers, I asked them to eat or produce went bad. Based on my reactions I believe I’ve experienced a previous life where I had a significant scarcity of food….
My previous profession in the corporate world as a CPA fostered a work hard play hard environment. I was surrounded by high achieving individuals and so I too became driven to excel. While there were immense benefits to my time in Corporate, it also fed my innate tendencies to always want more and never feeling good enough. I equated my worth with how many billable and overtime hours I achieved each year, my performance reviews, promotions and my bonus/raise. There was always someone else around me doing and achieving more and therefore, I could not sit and relax in the evenings without working for fear that someone else would be perceived as a more valuable employee or worse that I would be perceived as inferior and not worthy of a seat at the table.
Many women who I know are similar in this way so while I know I’m probably not the “norm” I never felt that different either.
I’ve shared before how I am in recovery with Hypothalamic Amenorrhea (see this previous blog post for more details) and that my central nervous system has been on high alert for decades, preventing my body to function optimally. It is largely due to my body’s inability to produce adequate estrogen that I was diagnosed with osteoporosis in my mid 40’s. As I shared in this previous blog post, I have tried dozens of therapies and treatments. I made changes to some of my habits and while each has propelled me on my journey, they have not yet brought me to my ultimate goal of getting back my cycle (before I enter menopause).
When I became a health coach several years ago, I had the goal of having a thriving coaching practice, both in my ability to help thousands of people and also financially contribute to my family’s wealth. I’ve spent years comparing myself to other health coaches and grasping to any new idea that I believed would help me achieve my career ambitions. I have taken numerous courses and programs because I am genuinely a curious learner and a forever student. I want to soak up as much information on a variety of intriguing subjects as possible and there is always a long list of new courses I want to take. I believe that if I just knew more about X subject, that I would become a better coach and attract more clients. As you well know there is always something knew to learn, especially in the health and wellness space and so I too fell down the rabbit hole of creating content for social media and others who asked me that in all honesty, rarely generated new clients or revenue.
Over the past six to nine months I’ve been tapping into my intuition and talking to the universe and my spirit guides more frequently thanks to an enlightening book “Chase You: How to Connect with the Other Side to Find the Clarity and Confidence to Be Yourself” by Elizabeth Kendig. I have felt this pull to scale back my engagement on social media. I started going days without posting anything on IG and when I did it was usually just re-sharing something I’d seen or from the podcast I co-host.
A couple months ago I started contemplating an idea that began to surface as my oldest was in the midst of the college search process and embarking on his final year of high school. What if I took a break; a true break from work and trying to achieve a goal that I believed would make me truly happy? I have never really taken a break. Since the age of 14 when I started working part-time in high school until now the only true breaks were during my transition back to the US from living abroad in London and then during my three maternity leaves. And during my last leave I was busy selling our house in Chicago and moving to Minneapolis. When I decided to leave my Corporate job, I had to first have a plan for my next move because I could never just quit without a plan and be a full-time mom to my three children. It was only after signing up for the health coaching program through IIN that I was able to take my leave of absence and several months later officially resign.
While during the first few years it was necessary that I continue working, I never for a moment ever really contemplated not working outside of the home. I believed I wasn’t cut out to be a stay-at-home mom. I gave my friends and others so much respect for being at home all day with their infants and toddlers. I happily passed my kids off to our wonderful nanny several mornings a week to care for my children. For many of these years I only worked 3-4 days a week; however, I always worked on my days off and made myself available during every single nap time and after my kids went to bed. Was that because I genuinely loved what I was doing? No, most certainly not. As a health coach I now appreciate what it means to have a career that you love so much that it doesn’t feel like work. I believe I had to keep busy because of my anxiety and belief that I wasn’t good enough and if for one minute I let down my guard or wasn’t keeping busy at work that something negative would occur. My over-regulated central nervous system is always telling me to do more but I am now listening to my soul to change the story for the next several decades and undo old programming.
I am still unpacking the shame and negative self-worth that I’ve felt since childhood in therapy. It’s been a journey for the past year, and I am forever grateful to my wonderful therapist. I am also recognizing that this negative self-talk and shame is likely a contributing factor in my defensiveness, in particular with my family, and my tendency to take everything personally. I am also very much aware that my decision to take a break from work is a privilege that many if not most moms are not allowed.
So, what were the signs that lead to me to this decision?
I’ve begun receiving signs that I need to create more space and time to relax. Specifically, I have been exploring working as a health coach for a health practitioner and give up my personal business; however, none of the opportunities worked out. While this was very disappointing, I love what my teacher Vanessa recently shared with me that “rejection is protection”. I now believe that there is a reason why I wasn’t granted these opportunities and it has nothing to do with how smart I am, my personality or my abilities. I am enough.
I recognize that I need to rest but I know that to be the mom that I really want to be for my kids that something has to change. I’ve made enough excuses and tried a variety of ways to change; however, I now know that a break is what is needed.
I was introduced to Emilythemystic, an Intuitive and Spiritual Life Coach and Akashic Records Master Consultant who found our podcast and invited me to have a session with her last week. The guidance I received through Emily from my soul was to start slowing down a little and to relax. She shared (without any information from me) that my body is starting to feel the intensity of going a million miles a minute. You can learn more about Emily and her work here. She also shared the profound statement that “our purpose for life is being…to just be ourselves and that is enough”. Emily also shared that my soul’s essence is peace; my energy is peace, which may seem comical for those who know me well but this is not the first time I’ve received this wisdom from a healer….
So what have I started (or stopped) doing over the past two weeks?
Take time to ground myself every day and drop into heart space in the morning. This has largely come by taking a few deep breaths and answering a daily question in my new Good Morning Journal
Go on a daily run or walk without listening to a book or podcast, ideally in the morning. While I love listening to podcasts and books I believe it’s important to not always be consuming information from others and allow time and space to just be with our own thoughts.
Stop feeling obligated to work out early in the morning. While I’ve done this for years and generally love this routine, I also recognize the need to listen to my body when I need to snooze to get more sleep and be more present in the morning with my kids when my schedule allows. With three kids in three completely different schools leaving at different times each day, it is a real challenge to have any time with each of them before they leave the house. My youngest recently commented that he’s a bit sad when I have to shower or workout when he’s in the kitchen in the morning (making himself breakfast and lunch) because I’ve spent my time with his older sister and helping her get out the door on time. I’ve started asking myself the question “Do I really need to flea the kitchen at this moment to get ready and start my day? Can I still be present with him for these few extra minutes without being late for a commitment?
Watch TV without distractions (work in progress). I did seize the opportunity and took my two oldest kids to the movies last Saturday afternoon, which I initiated, and dismissed the household chores and errands that would normally hold me back from a spontaneous outing (we saw AIR which I highly recommend)
Schedule walks with friends in the morning or middle of the day. Historically, I blocked my calendar until midafternoon for work Monday through Thursday and often on Fridays and even if I didn’t have a client or meeting, I believed I needed to be “doing something” for my business or to help me learn something new to grow my practice.
Schedule appointments like acupuncture in the morning even if this means not being “productive” during my workday.
Be perfectly content with not doing anything for my business all day (or week). This will be hard for me too.
Seize the opportunity to join my husband on a work trip to London in late May. I really deliberated this decision for a while because the timing is less than ideal with end of school year activities and graduation and party (at our house) for our oldest just one week after we return. After spending some quiet time reflecting on the pros and cons of joining John and of course talking with a few friends, I made the decision to go for it (and not cut it short to come home 18 hours sooner). With our 20th wedding anniversary approaching on May 31st and the fact that we met in London, I took my husband’s work trip as a sign that I should join him. We haven’t had a trip alone in quite some time and our kids encouraged us to go (despite being bummed that they can’t join us). I am committed to not bringing my computer on this trip and aside from one meal reservation, we are going to be spontaneous with what we do with our time. No agenda or planned activities in advance (aside from hopefully meeting up with friends who moved to London a few years ago). It will be nice to make decisions based on how we’re feeling in the moment versus booking reservations to what someone else deems a top restaurant or attraction. I am also committed to being fully present with my husband, not being in a rush and just letting the mood of the moment guide us to what we do next (we’ll see how this goes).
While I am taking a break from my personal coaching business, I am continuing as the co-host of The Art of Living Well Podcast as this truly brings me so much joy, fulfillment, and excitement. I am someone who loves to collaborate and work with others and doing our podcast fills me up and grounds me at the same time.
When can you expect to hear from me? I am not making any promises or plans as to when I will come back to 1:1 coaching but am committed to taking off through July to spend time with my family as my oldest leaves for college in mid-August. I have started writing more, which is quite enjoyable and therapeutic so you can likely expect to hear from me with updates over the course of the summer on my blog and on social media. I know this work of unwinding will not be easy but I am finally in a place where I recognize that this is the necessary next step to achieve the outcome I desire. And for those of you who live local, please keep me accountable by reaching out and inviting me to do something spontaneous.
As one of my many wise healers Vanessa Rose recently shared with me “The kids who grow up knowing that they are participating in their parent’s healing grow up having value and a place in family”. They don’t ever have to go outside of their unit to find value. I’ve been reflecting on this quote and wondering what if I allow this experience with my first born (who is my teacher) to lead me on my journey to finding true peace with myself; to just be with my family and be present?
Stay tuned…..
Xoxo,
Stephanie
P.S. I’d love to hear your thoughts and of course hear how you’re doing, so please reach out via email and social media.